Max Pain In The Butt
by Urban Cowboy
Summary: A spoof on our favorite depressed hero, Max Payne.
1. 1

Max Pain-In-The-Butt: A Spoof of Max Payne  
  
A helicopter is seen in the sky where a policeman is talking on the radio.  
  
Policeman: Please repeat the address.  
  
Radio voice: You don't know where it is? Well here's a clue: look for the building with a bunch of dead guys with guns and a destroyed military helicopter that's burning and a gunman on the roof.  
  
Policeman: Ma'am, this is New York. There are lots of places like those in this city.  
  
The scene now changes to Max Payne, standing on the roof.  
  
Max: It was all over; the final gunshot was an exclamation point to all that had happened. Then, I released my finger from the trigger. I could finally go to the bathroom.  
  
While the scene changes to an outside shot, there are sounds of a toilet flushing in the background.  
  
Max: Ah, that's better. Yet, I am still being pounded by questions like a student in math class. Questions like: did I really do the right thing? Are my wife and daughter really avenged? And most importantly, where are those $@*&^ cops? It's been 10 minuets and they still haven't gotten up here.  
  
The scene changes to a break room crammed with donuts and coffee.  
  
Policeman 1: (Not the same one from helicopter.) There are a lot of donuts here . . .  
  
Policeman 2: Can't let them go to waste.  
  
The camera is now back to Max.  
  
Max: To make any sense of it, or so the player can blast more thugs, I need to go back 3 years ago. The night the pain started . . .  
  
3 years ago . . .  
  
Alex: So when are you going to work for me Detective Payne?  
  
Max Sorry Alex, but my family comes first. (Holds up a game guide) See? I gave them speaking parts in the prologue of parts 2 and 3.  
  
Alex: That is nice. So why do I only have two speaking parts?  
  
Max: (Scurries out and drives home.) I had a great family, a nice home, and a great job. Ah yes, the American dream. (Sees front door open and the drug symbol on the window.) Hmm, maybe Michelle and I need to talk about the babies' art practices. (Goes inside and sees everything in the kitchen turned upside down). Okay, this is probably a break in.  
  
The phone rings.  
  
Nichole: Is this the Payne residence?  
  
Max: Yes, someone's broken into my house-  
  
Nichole: Damn! I want to get a pizza! Stupid redial! Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't help you.  
  
Our hero goes upstairs and hears voices)  
  
Michelle: Don't touch that.  
  
Killer: I'll touch whatever I want!  
  
Michelle: Look you can have my baby but not my couch.  
  
Max: My couch is in danger? Oh those bastards went to far!  
  
The door leading to Max's bedroom flies open and a man steps out wearing a green jumpsuit and holding a cell phone up to his ear eerily chanting: "Can you hear me now? Good. Good!"  
  
Max: (Takes out gun then reloads as it was empty). Freeze and I'll shoot- I mean I won't.  
  
The intruder, oblivious to Max's threat takes out his own gun.  
  
Max: (Shoots guy dead and runs in recklessly and shoots the thugs dead) Oh no! Baby are you ok? (Cuddles couch for a while and then notices dead wife and daughter.) Damn! I suppose this means dinner is going to be late.  
  
Sample of Chapter 2  
  
Max picked up the phone.  
  
Max: We come to you live from the crime scene.  
  
Jim: Who is this?  
  
Max: Uh, Jerry Springer?  
  
Jim: Really! Well, I really like your show. Say can I have your autograph when I get there?  
  
Max: (Gulps) Why are you coming here?  
  
Jim: Well, it's been rumored that the bank has been taken over by a bunch of thugs and since there's nothing else going on, I thought I would bring a bunch of men and storm the place. Kill a few days, like 3 maybe.  
  
Max: In the video game you're not supposed to know any of this yet.  
  
Jim: True, but let's face it we're not even supposed to have this conversation. 


	2. 2

Barney (The Pig) Flanders: Good day to you fine readers. I hope none of you are too angry with Master Earl for not updating for a very long time. You see, Bigfoot kidnapped him and only until recently has he been able to produce this. Fear not however, as he will escape and finish this story. Now, about this story. In order to avoid repeating action, we will use this symbol: "!!!"to show that time, distance and/or baddies have been eliminated. Farewell.

Max Pain In The Butt Chap. 2

Max: After the funeral, I told Alex that I would be transferring to the DEA to try to find the root of the drug problem and that I wanted my five bucks back. It took us three long years to get a break in the Valkir case (well actually we kinda put it off for 2 years and 362 days, but on these last three days I think we made pretty good progress, don't you think?). Anyway, a dime dropper informant (that didn't _cost _just a dime) told us that Jerk Loophole was trafficking, without signaling while turning! I was sent to meet Alex at the train station. From there it got more hairy than King Kong's back. It took a little pep talk, but I willingly went to the danger zone.

B.B: Max, something urgent just came up. You need to meet with Alex at Roseco Street Station.

Max: But I don't wanna.

B.B.: Do it or no pay!

Max: All right I'll do it!

B.B.: Good. Remember, when you see a few guys walking around with guns in their arms, just ignore them.

Max: Outside the storm was a cruel insurance salesman. Pitching offers like the Stock Market was about to crash. Things didn't get much better on the train. (On train) The feeling hit me like being bitch-slapped by a third rate rapper like 50 Cent. Something was not right about this. Or maybe I was being paranoid. (The train car passes a group of armed men dressed in construction uniforms with signs that read: "Robbery in progress. Go slow.")

Max: (Train is about to come to the station.) My berretta stirred nervously (along with my bladder, damn I knew I shouldn't have had drank so much coffee), but the train doors were already closed. On my arm (These doors close way to quickly). Next stop: the train station, and Alex. (Doors open, releasing Max. He goes outside.) The station was drenched in gloom. (Covers nose after sniffing the air) And something that is too vulgar for this story rating, I needed to find Alex. Fast. (Max heads to the only available place he could go, a locker room. Max opens the door and sees blood and bullet holes on the wall.)

Max: That's unusual. (Walks in to the locker room and sees a dead body) Well that's a little bit more disturbing. Death was in the air along with that bad smell, it looks like there's some shootin' about to go on here. (He takes out his gun and goes around the room and grabs all the ammo and stuff he can get. Then leaves to the subway platform.)

Max goes down the staircase armed with a shotgun, a desert eagle, and a painkiller. He hears two men talking in the distance.

Thug 1: You guys hear something?

Thug 2: Like what?

Thug 1: Like a guy in black spandex running around cappin' our men upstairs.

Max: It's leather! (Kills them) While looking for Alex I ran into what looked like a robbery. Wait, it is a robbery isn't it? Dang am I smart or what? I think I should be promoted to Chief.

Down the hallway, to Max's left, there was a door. Max opened it.

Thug: Kiss it goodbye!

Policeman: No!

Max shoots the thug. Then realizes that the gunman wasn't aiming at the policeman, because he wasn't in sight. The thug was pointing his gun at the couch.

Policeman: Thanks, you saved my couch, but we need to get to the control room to call for help.

Max: Why didn't you guys use your cell phones?

Policeman: Are you kidding? I don't get free roaming minuets after 8:00 P.M. Come on, we need to get to the control room or else I'll just repeat myself.

Max: Fine let's go. (Thinking) I can't help put think that this guy is doomed to die. Maybe it's the fact that he's running around with no gun which is odd considering he's a cop, or maybe it's because he has a large bull's eye on his back.

!!! In front of the keypad.

Policeman: (Enters code) We should be safe in here. We have cable television, soda, and plenty of snacks.

Max: What about a phone?

Policeman: (In a non-concerned voice) Oh yeah, that too.

The door opens. Unfortunately, there is a trigger-happy thug waiting for them on the other side. He shoots the rent-a-cop.

Having killed more thugs since he got off the train, Max dramatically reloads in front of the door.

Max: I was now in an abandoned part of the street station closed off since the early 40's. Something big was going on here. Maybe that's why Alex wanted me to meet him here. Or maybe he had a fetish for trains. One way or another, I was going to find out.

Max went through almost an entire level without me cracking a joke, when suddenly, the area shook.

Max: Either that's a bomb, or Rush Limbaugh sat down too quickly.

!!! In front of the bank command center, the telephone rings.

Max: (Answers phone) We come to you live from the crime scene.

Jim: Who is this?

Max: A Kira Silver wanna-be. Who are you?

Jim: I am Jim Bologna. You are to cease your criminal activates and surrender.

Max: Well, they won't to it again, but they can't surrender.

Jim: Why's that?

Max: 'Cause they're dead.

Jim: Oh, you're a wise guy, huh? Well let's just cart you off to jail and see how funny you are you little jacka-! (Max hangs up phone)

Max: I could have told Jim what was going on here, I could have asked for reinforcements, but can you imagine the kind of a report I would have to write? I think I'll take my chances here. Oh, buttons.

Max presses first one, the door to Max's left opens. Inside, are stock bonds of the Asshole Corporation.

Max: The crooks were obviously trying to steal these. (Max goes back to the main room. He presses the second button. In the second room, lying on the table, are detonators. Each one stamped with a red, white, and blue sticker proclaiming the words "forget me not.") These might come in handy.

Max is back at the starting point of the entire level. With a prayer that he won't blow himself up like some idiot from action movies, Max activates the devise. The explosion is very impressive, yet the door just falls off a hinge, then, seconds later, the other. The door falls on to the ground rather lamely. The sound attracts the attention of a bald middle-aged man. A man who is Max's closest friend (if he even has other friends) and fellow officer. Anyway, the man stops in front of the locked gate in front of him and kneels down, aiming his gun at the hole in the wall. A figure emerges, it's Max.

Alex: Hold it! (After a few minutes, he sees that the figure is Max) Max! I nearly shot you! What the hell is going on here? There are more dead bodies here than at the city morgue. What's going on here?

Max: It's an armed robbery a-

Alex: Tunnel job from the old station to the vault? Really. This must be the work of Jerk Loophole!

Max: I was going to say that. Why did you just steal my lines?

Alex: Can you blame me? Out of this entire game, I get canned barely out of chapter 2. Why, the Frito Brothers have more lines than I do! All because that jerk-

???: (Shoots Alex) It wasn't me! I don't work at the Police Station and I am _not_ B.B.! (Runs away)

Max: Alex was dead. I could see it in the Xs in his eyes. (The camera does a close-up revealing that Alex did indeed have Xs in his eyes.)

Thug: Whack him!

Max: Damn, more of these punks? Where do they find these bozos? Wal-Mart?

Max is now outside the train station, brooding on the lose of his friend, um, what was his name again?

Max: Shoot, I don't know either, but that doesn't change the fact that Jerk Loophole killed him. (Pause) Alright, fine, I have no friggin' clue whether Jerk Loophole actually _did _organize the robbery and kill my friend, but hey, just like George W. Bush, I'm not about to let something like facts get in the way!

End of Chapter 2

Barney (The Pig) Flanders: If Earl was here; he would thank you for reading his latest installment of his spoof. I hope you enjoyed yourself and you can take heart that the next chapter will be arriving soon. Good day!


End file.
